Mong Magnet

I've had to use pubic transport for the last couple of days, and noticed something about myself.

Wherever I walk or just stand, people are attracted to me magnetic fashion. I've had people see me coming up the street and cross the road to stop in the middle of the path, just to make me walk around them. Other people drift away from the kerb or railings to intersect my route. Some wlaking in front of me suddenly go into a moondance and back into me. Others absorbed by newspapers, or wearing hats made from Pelican bills pulled down to their nipples, or tapping at mobile phones, or with brollies carried like shields, veer from side to side of the pavement until they clip you as they walk past and shout "Look where your going". I was actually standing still lighting a cigarette when one such did this.
"I was standing still, you gormless drag queen" I shouted at the fat bint who waddled up the road. She managed to rotate enough from above the buttocks to flip me the finger.

I had another gormless bint in front of me at the Oister top up machine, just the other day. It was the only one working. She Fannied about looking for her card in the handbag which was called a Bergen when I was in the army for 5 minutes. Then spent an age looking at her travel history, like it was a novel??? Having discovered where she'd been over the last month, she checked her account. ACCOUNT FFS, she had £2.80 on the card, it took a milisecond for me to read, but her cubing it by Pi in her budgeriegar sized brain took an age. When the answer came back £2.80, she decided she needed to put more funds in, unfortunately hours of rummaging through the Bergen revealed her credit card was in her inside pocket. She then fucked up the pin code twice, and took the card out to try another. I wish I was joking.
I had stood behind 1 person in a almost empty Regents Park underground, there was a queue of 10 by the time she'd finished. AND to cap it off she meandered across in front of me tapping into her mobile as I was leaving the station.