Today then

Slept badly last night.
Sainsburys do their own brand Scotch. With money running it I've been partaking of it instead of supper. A £9 investment will see me through the week, Coke not included. I suppose the same would be enough to make a decent Irish stew, but who the f*ck wants to eat that all week. It's fine when you have 16 kids to feed, but not when your a batchelor.
Anyway, that own brand Scotch doesn't half make you have weird dreams. I've been having them for weeks, but last nights was the worst.
I dreamt I was being spitroasted by two of my close mates, Ian and Simon. WTF? Even more disturbing, I was enjoying it, in the dream anyway. Try it for real chaps and things will get nasty, pronto. I woke up a couple of times, just goes to show what a shit pair of lovers these two turned out to be, and found myself back in the same dream when I fell asleep.
Weirder still, Ian insisted on wearing a condom while Simon insisted otherwise. What the hell is my subconscious telling me? Ian doesn't trust me and Simon don't care.

So, bad night and awoke with a crook in my neck, well Ian is quite tall. Bum ok though but then Simon is ickle.
Had the alarm set for 08:30, it is signing on day today. Woke at 08:00 to some serious drilling. Stop making up your own punchlines.
They are upgrading the Victorian water mains outside my house. They did it last year, all of last year, but I guess they only upgraded them to Edwardian. I haven't paid the Poll tax substitute so I guess they're now replacing them with Saxon plumbing. If the noise my cistern makes when it refills is anything to go by, I'm not a far off. I might just hang me arse out the window.

So, traipsed down to the JobCentre, but it's called something else now and I'm a customer now I guess to to discuss my "account" and prove that I had actually been looking for work like a good client so they would continue paying me.
My "advisor" is a skinny teenage Indian virgin in his first job. I was actually there at the desk when he sat next to some fat bloke doing his training a couple of months ago.
Having ticked off the official questions on his list and tapped at his keyboard, he reaches the "Ask a bonding non-work-related question" box to be ticked.
"So, are you going anywhere nice for Christmas"?
I did an internal "WHAT! is he taking the fucking piss?" I'm going to Tesco's and Sainsburys to compare their out of date produce.
"I'm not sure" I answered "Maybe you could give me a bit of advice, on that score".
"I'm here to help in any way I can"
"Well, I liked St lucia last time I was there, but Tobago is meant to be amazing, what do you reckon"?
No reply.
"Shall I sign that"?